This is my 50th entry! Horray!
Tomorrow I'm flying down to Dallas to get my car. I'm sooooo excited! Horray!
I still have a butt-load of summer-work to do for school, but I'll get it done hopefully....
That's all for today loves.
Kisses~
Suzy

I hate crying uncontrollably
I know that I haven't written in a long time and a lot of you may be wondering what is going on.
Grandpa was transferred to the actual Hospice unit in Amarillo last Tuesday or Wednesday. And he died last Sunday. We had the funeral yesterday. And it was weird to see all of my family on my mom's side together yesterday. And I've come to realise a lot lately that death unites people and their relationships. My crazy aunt from North Carolina even came down for the funeral, and she's acting a lot more sane. And she's even really cool around mom and Holly (the last time she talked to mom my aunt called my mom some really awful names, but my aunt even apologized for doing that too.)
Mom did the eulogy yesterday with all of the grandkids behind her. It was one of the best things that I had heard. The service was wonderful and not at all what I had expected. I did cry, but I wasn't really sad. It's like it was just closure.
Anywho, I've been okay except that summer school is really stupid and I hate that stupid PE coach. But overall I did really well.
I really don't have anything else to say. And I have no one to talk to because Nathan is at Tech camp until Saturday.
If you need me you know where I will be!
Love lots~
Suzy

A cruel and unusual disease they like to call cancer
Okay, so my family always goes to my great-grandparents for the fourth of July, and there was the usual crowd there: my Aunt, Uncle, and cousin from Austin, my other aunt and uncle, my great aunts and uncles, my grandmother, and that's normally it, but this year there were more people there. My great-grandpa's family decided to come down because they figured it was going to be the last time they saw him before he died(My great-grandpa is actually my step-great-grandfather, but he's the only one I've really known to be a grandfather to me.) And it was really strange because here are these people that I haven't seen since I was in diapers claiming to love my great-grandfather when they haven't even taken time our of their "busy" schedual in the last 14 some odd years to come see him. There are his blood relatives and they don't come up and see him every once in a while. One of them is even wealthy enough to own a Dooney&Bourke purse, but she can't see my grandpa until he's in a wheelchair because the cancer has made him loose most of his mobility. It made me so angry to see those people there trying to get my great-grandpa engaged in a conversation when he can hardly talk because he's so eaten away by cancer. But soon enough they were gone and we could actually enjoy our fourth of July.
We had a really good show because we spent aproximately $350 on fireworks (combined.) And it really was quite lovely until the whole thing had to be called off because we set fire to the field of tall grass across the street from my great-grandparents house. There were 4 seperate fires because one of the fireworks (one of the multi-shot kind) tipped over onto its side and kept shooting fireworks in all directions. And seeing as how Skellytown is so small, there wasn't a fire department to help us out, but we did have a very long water house and eventually put the fires out. So there was the comic relief to a very very stressful kind of day.
So, ya, I had a very eventful fourth of July.
We went back out to my great-grandparents house the next day because we had left some things at their house, and we wanted to help my grandmother and great-grandmother take care of my great-grandpa. And it really hit me yesterday. Seeing him in that wheelchair when only a few weeks ago he could walk, and seeing that far-away look in his eyes when I looked at him like he didn't even really recognize who I was. Everyone was on the verge of tears because we all know that this is the beginning of the end. We knew it was coming, but it really caught us off guard at how quickly the cancer is preying on him. My great-grandmother said that even in the last three days he has lost so much of what he once had-- his memory, his ability to walk, and his ability to even talk. I mean I can't even give him a sincere smile because I can't even fathom the pain he is in. The Hospice nurses have decided to start giving him morphine to try to ease the pain. So, my mom is trying to help out whenever she is needed, and will take the place of my grandmother when she has to go back to work. Which means that me and my sister will have to stay with my grandmother on most of the weekdays due to the fact that mom's going to be out there helping with whatever she can. And I'm trying to get through this as best I can. When we were there yesterday, I tried to fill my role and be cheery and make everyone else feel okay, but I couldn't... And I was the one being comforted instead of being the comforter. I can't stand being in my great-grandparents house anymore because it's like the cancer has even infested the walls of the house. Like it's taking over not only my grandpa, but everyone who sets foot in the house. I can't take feeling so hopeless. And I can't take the look of anguish on everyone's faces because we all know what's coming next.
"This is the beginning of the end, and I don't know what I'm going to do when he's gone.... I'm not ready....."~ Cletta Stall
And this is going to sound really self-centered, but I can't help it... I can't have a family birthday party because of what's going on with my grandfather. It's like God is saying, "Happy Birthday Savannah, your grandfather is dying a slow and painful death and there's nothing you can do about it."
To Be Continued...


Sorry this is such a downer of an entry, but I had to get a few things off of my chest.
I love you all very much~
Suzy