Non-stop

Okay, so I went to United Way Youth Day, and the "convention" as a whole was REALLY boring, but there were definate bright spots to the day.
I got to talk out a lot of things that have been bottled up inside me with Merri. And I know this may sound really cheesy or just plain dumb (and you have to understand, I am NOT a fanatical Christian), but I really think that God gave me Merri today. And I hate to say that because Merri doesn't believe in my God, but oh well, such is life...
Anywho, I got to say what I haven't in the past few months...
Here's a list of aspirations I talked about:
1) I want to be a cheerleader next year (IF I can learn how to do tumbling things such as handsprings etc.)
2) I do want to get drunk before I get out of highschool because I don't want to go crazy in college
3) I want to be more outgoing.... I used to be, and now sadly, I am not.
4) I don't want to have a 7th period next year, but it's unavoidable, I kinda have to have all periods next year, but it would be quite nice

But ya, lotsa stories came out that we hadn't told each other, and it was nice. I don't know what I would've done had Merri not been there. I would have reverted to "I don't talk, and you can't make me" Savannah.
All in all, I had fun... I also got McCulloch to get me out of 7th which I originally wouldn't have, but he's awesome and wrote me a note to get out.
Anywho, I will talk to all lata.
Just Love~
Suzy

anticipating, anxious, uneasy
something dark lurks behind an unseen corner
mammoth sized, veiled in black
a rank stench following it wherever it treads
amorphic, vapid, sordid
white, beady eyes and lightfooted
it treads unnoticed
deliberately seeping into your heart and soul

he violates the boundaries of your essence
cornering you into an inevitable situation of moral degredation
painfully and irrevocably tearing you apart
hairlike cracks in your already fragile mentality languidly mature into full-fledged crators
breaking down inside
knowing something terrible lurks deep down
wanting to rip out your insides to come to the source of the problem
no one knows he's hiding there
steathily and methodically degenerating your so-called easy life
corrupting every pure thought in your entire being
the emobodiment of evil
he pops up at the least expected times
reminding you of what he's capable of
wanting desperately to quell your entire spirit
he longs to burn you like a moth caught in a flame
eating you from the inside out
until you're left with nothing but a mere shadow of your original self
it's finally over
but the final stage begins

falling by the wayside, your soul missing
dying a slow and torturous death
caved in with nothing left
he simply leaves and moves onto the next unassuming victim
yearning to take advantage of their naivity
while you are left with nothing but your outer shell

creepy huh??

Not Myself

Lately, it's like I've been so consumed with school it's like I haven't really gotten the chance to be myself. It's like school is my barrier from the world, and that I haven't gotten a chance to actually live. I've been so disconnected from everyone that I feel like I have no friends. That's it's just me and Nathan-- which granted isn't bad at all, but I really have felt like I need a girlfriend lately... It's like everyone always says, "Oh Savannah, you're such a great friend to everyone, and I love you." But then after that one encounter, it's like whoever it was just kind of fades from my life. They say that I'm a great friend, but they never take advantage of my "great friend-ness" per say.
Anywho, to get back to my original point, the game tonight was really liberating... It's like I was finally able to be myself around everyone. I don't know if it was the combination of my tiredness and the two excedrine I took before the game or what, but it's like I was finally able to be myself. I could actually talk to people that I know. Because I have hardly any classes with people I know. And normally, if I do know them, I knew them really well at one point, but we've kind of gone our seperate ways, so I play really nice, studious Savannah that is invisible. But tonight was awesome because I got to talk to everyone again and I had actual fun with a big group of people. I don't know if it was that great for anyone else, and maybe it was just me, and maybe I got on people's nerves, but tonight, I didn't care... I just wanted to be me again... To stop being the girl that only has a school life. To stop being the girl that sits beside you in math class that always loans you a pencil if you need it, the girl that actually has a voice and uses it. I've missed all of you so badly, and I just want to be part of it all again. I want to feel alive again, and not so stuck... You know??? Just to feel free and myself the whole time. I just wish I could do it more often.
Bottom Line: I haven't been myself lately, and for once, I got to be the Savannah I was when school didn't matter so much, and the Savannah I was when we had wicked awesome slumber parties at my house. The Savannah that's been inside of me for so long that's been dying to come out. I got to open up again without feeling stupid or inferior...
I don't know-- maybe I have social anxiety, my mom thinks that I might... Just because I feel like everyone is judging me, and that I have to be the girl that only talks when talked to, and the one that sits in the back of the class that knows all the answers, but doesn't speak out, the girl that's invisible and nobody talks to unless they need to ask you a question about school work.
I finally felt real-- Real like I haven't felt in a long time.
In the words of John Mayer~
"Suppose I said/I am on my best behavior/And there are times/I lose my worried mind?
Would you want me when I'm not myself?/Wait it out while I am someone else?/And I, in time, will come around"
I love you all dearly and send lots of lurve~
Suzy

It's a Wonderful Life

Oh what a great day... NOT
First of all, I woke up this morning and got ready like I always do; only to find out that the CD player out of my car had been stolen. Therefore, mom thinks the car is jinxed (and I don't blame her-- with all the problems it's had.) Which means that I will be driving the awesome green Saturn. Which means that I got no birthday present from mom because I doubt that she will actually give me the $500 check that she gave me on my birthday before I got the car.
Not to mention, all of my grades are horrible. In DeVoe's my average is really riding on my college project, my essay for the test, and my DBQ, all of which I'm sure are not going to be that great. Especially my in-class essay. My grade in Biology went from a 96 to and 80 after one test and an essay, and I don't know how in the world I'm gonna bring that up. My English is okay and my math needs a little nudge in the right direction, but hopefully, everything will even out and be okay.
I am really feeling the stress of all my AP classes. It's like I have no life other than to work on school. All weekend, all I'm doing is homework, when I come home from school it's homework. I even dreamed last night that I was doing homework. I think that was one of the reasons I woke up tired this morning.
Okay, that's enough of my ranting, and I am really sorry I complained on you, but I really needed to get that out.
Now I gotta go do homework!
Frustated~
Suzy

We'll make it

This week so far has been so drab. It's made me really sad.
My grades are okay except for math (I have an 82), and I love to poke fun at the new computer system.
Anywho, I have 4 tests on Friday and I have 2 tomorrow-- oh the joys of studying. As if I didn' have enough to do-- yet here I am writing on my blog while neglecting valuable homework time.... Oh well-- I'll get to it.
I was thinking over the summer and I realized that I don't really have a best friend. There's no one person that I tell everything to. It's kinda sad, and it makes me sad, but ho hum, that's life
Anywho, ta ta lovers!
Love Lots~
Suzy

Don't Let Me Down

Debate season is back up and running again. Of course, I, being the loser that I am didn't break in any of my events so I ended up sitting with all of the new debate kids.
A list of funny happenings at the tournament:
1) A kid named Jeff called me his hero and it made me feel special
2) I won the "Best tassels" award in XXXDX
3) I was a chorus leader of "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"s
4) Watched a kid named Cody "run" to his extemp round
5) One word: "Baaa"
6) C.J. hit Stetson's water bottle up against his face and busted his lip
7) In the middle of my extemp speech, a 4'10" kid ran in crossed himself (in a Catholic way), said "bloody hell" and ran off
8) "...in my pants" is the new thing to add to the end of a sentence
9) Caught Nathan behind a door with a freshman cheerleader that is also on the debate team and she was on her knees
10) Sneaking kisses in a deserted hallway

I have confronted something that I thought that I didn't want to, but now, I'm glad that I did. I can't ever forget, but at least I can forgive; however, things will NEVER be the same. It was nice talking to you-- :D
Anywho, that's all folks!
Kisses~
Suzy